February 14th marked the one-year anniversary of perhaps the biggest leap of faith I’ve taken: finally saying “enough!” to the complacency of my former life and embarking on a great adventure, my change chapter. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve moved in my life, so this was (and still is) a very, very big deal for someone who spent an entire decade in a complacent haze, numbing their reality with alcohol and kicking the can down the road. As expected, I have been filled with a wide range of emotions as I attempt to celebrate and acknowledge this milestone: shock and disbelief at how quickly the past 365 days fly by; a twinge of panic that I’m not “further along”, especially with regards to settling into my house and figuring out the next steps in life; a lot of guilt and internal conflict as I struggle to appreciate how far I have come; and a myriad of other feelings.
A few weeks ago, as I was brainstorming a possible title for this post, “The Change Chapter” popped into my head. Brilliant. Because that’s really what it is: a chapter of change, not only a change in geography, but in mindset; new opportunities; growth; perspective; acceptance that maybe, yes, this is not where I’m meant to be, but it is a stepping stone. Trying to see the positives and be bolstered by my personal growth is something I’m working on every day – a brain exercise, if you will.
Despite my current environmental factors, despite a major change in the status quo of my romantic relationship, despite feeling as though my stress is making me sick: I am still proud that I was brave enough to move somewhere new, not knowing a single person here. Nothing can detract from all of the fears I had to conquer to not only go through the physical motions of moving, but also starting a new life for myself, after 22 (!) years in the same area. Granted, I had an enormous amount of help and assistance from my dad, someone I consider a best friend and certainly my biggest cheerleader and supporter, but once he and my mom left after Moving Mania, I was the one who had to start the new life, all on my own.
You might remember the Andy Warhol quote, “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” As I was starting this post, that popped into my head – and I feel that it’s quite fitting in this context. Had I stayed in Northern Virginia, sure, I might have continued to grow and evolve as a person, but I had to make a big change (in that of my geographical location and subsequently starting a new, completely different life) in order to really continuing growing – and getting the change chapter I so desperately needed. Change is scary: and there’s certainly been a wealth of it in my life over the past 13 months! After the change in geography, I went from being single to in a serious relationship very quickly, a big change for someone who had been on their own for so long; I held two (vastly different) new jobs in the span of six months; related, I went from working remote to being back in an office for as long as I could stand (only two months); my health improved, then deteriorated; I had a lapse in judgment when it came to drinking again, briefly… There have been so many changes, it’s a wonder I haven’t suddenly become an expert in change management!
As I continue to try to figure out my life (emphasis on try), one thing I know to be true is that it will be filled with more change. “The only constant is change”, as the saying goes. The past 13 months have made me a far more humble, sometimes patient, and very resilient human being. I find that I can pivot much more easily than I used to – and that when I do have to quickly switch gears, it isn’t as painful as it used to be. Sure, it is still difficult to go with the flow as a planner and mostly Type A person, however I think that this move and chapter chapter have really allowed me to adapt in ways I never thought possible. And for that I am immensely grateful.