Life is unpredictable: we can plan for months or maybe even years, banking on a goal, a dream, or an event taking place that we’ve always wanted – and then in the matter of hours (or even minutes or seconds), everything can change. We go from thinking we have it all figured out, to quickly realizing we must change our mindset, correct our course, and steer our ship in a different direction. This is a time for re-evaluating priorities, for taking a moment (or several) to ourselves, and for unlimited grace.
Most recently, I experienced a pretty significant change in plans – and with it, the expected range of emotions and the strong urgency to figure out what I did wrong and what comes next. I am someone who likes to know what to expect – but I’m finding it difficult to accept that we rarely get that luxury in life. Navigating how to move forward after a shift in the status quo is likely not easy for anyone, particularly those of us who are planners. Finding the positives is also nearly impossible: for someone who already dwells in the negative (easy to do when you are depressed 65% of the time), seeing a silver lining in such a time is – well, not possible. When you get so close to everything finally falling into place, how do you find the positive when it all changes? That is a strictly rhetorical question, as I don’t have the answer – and is certainly one of the reasons I write.
As a planner, it’s also been very challenging (and goes against my nature) to find it within myself to be flexible and agile. One thing I’m realizing about myself in these times of needing to switch gears? I tend to immediately go into survival mode. This is probably not very productive, nor is it going to allow me to successfully course correct that much faster, however staying in this mindset is safe; I can give myself a lot of grace to just do the next right thing; and honestly, it’s familiar, as I became very good at being in this mode when I was making my initial attempts at getting sober in 2019 and again in 2020. Even before that, I spent the majority of my 20s in a type of survival mode, although not one that I would ever want to return to.
So where do I go from here? I find myself asking that question in vain a lot lately. There are a number of factors that make it difficult to envision the way forward. It now feels futile to try to picture the future: to imagine that I might successfully course correct and sail my ship somewhere more stable, where the waters are calm and the horizon is bright; where my life (and my future) feels settled and secure. But this is a good lesson in the volatility of our existence: as I noted in the opening sentence, life is truly unpredictable and nothing is guaranteed, except death, traffic, bad drivers, and taxes. Perhaps one day, when I reflect back on this period of time, it will be easier to see it as part of my story and how it all fits in, rather than being so short-sighted and existing in an endless sea of negativity, feeling more cynical than ever.
Whenever I’m wrapping up a post, attempting to end with a takeaway or just a shred of positivity, I’m continually going through my “brain catalogue” of quotes that are applicable to the topic at hand. I remembered one I had seen on social media, several lifetimes ago, which I think summarizes this topic quite well: “And like all journeys, she did not end: she simply changed directions and kept going.” (R.M. Drake)