Happy New Year, dear readers! It is absolutely mind-bending to think that 2024 is upon us. Where did last year go? I’ve been looking for her all over, to no avail.
2023 was a real doozy for me, to say the least. As you may have read in this post, I took the biggest leap of faith to date and moved to a new state, without knowing a single person. I thought the move would kill me; little did I know what other challenges lay ahead.
As I reflect on my recovery, which is something I think about every single day, I’m filled with a wide range of emotions, as is to be expected. On the one hand, I am not the person I was when I initially broke up with the bottle in 2020. You can read more about that here. But on the other, I worry that my series of slips in “Augtember” and late 2023 set me back; I tend to dwell on my mistakes and failures rather than focusing on how far I’ve come and how amazing it is that I can go out to a fancy dinner with my boyfriend and make it through without ordering an enormous goblet of wine, for example. The old me could never!
I recently returned from my annual trip across the pond to visit my family in Terra Germania (aka Germany). This was a particularly triggering visit, although I tried to remind myself of all the things that were different this time: my boyfriend was taking care of our cat, Basil, as well as our house; I am working from home once again (praise be!) for a much, much more relaxed and understanding boss; aside from putting in the requisite hours and logging my daily miles, I could just relax during the visit; and last but certainly not least, I was reunited with my sibling, Em, who is my world and whom I had not seen in almost a year. But I just could not relax – and I suffered greatly during the night, for the entirety of my visit, which was extremely triggering. Real talk: some nights, I considered going downstairs and taking a swig of gin out of one of the bottles on my family’s bar table. But then I would “play it forward” and think about what would come next – and that was enough to put me in my place. Cravings are temporary; it’s imperative that we, as recovering alcoholics, remind ourselves of this. “The only way out is through” was my mantra during my Big Move – and it applies to moments like these, as well.
Perhaps one of the most triggering aspects of the trip, besides the insomnia, was my continued inability to get along with my mother. We have been struggling to communicate and understand each other for years – and she was a huge trigger for me when I was still actively addicted. I can’t blame another person for the times that I’ve drank post-sobriety, however she continues to get under my skin in a way that I cannot possibly articulate. One of my old therapists, with whom I met when I was initially getting sober in late 2020, had suggested that I needed to mourn the loss of the mother I wish I had. I think this is true for many of us: we yearn for people to be a certain way, especially those that are closest to us. Perhaps you can relate to this and also have a similar complicated relationship with a family member, relative, close friend, or significant other. The amount of anxiety this creates for us, especially in recovery, feels insurmountable. When you add the lack of unconditional love to the equation, it’s even more impossible to think that you will ever move past this feeling. I struggle with the way forward or where we go from here, as it’s difficult to imagine that we will ever see eye-to-eye, or that she will be able to finally treat me like an adult. This is of course very much something I need to continue to work on in therapy, but I know I’m not the only person in recovery who struggles with contentious relationships and how much they affect our sobriety.
As I settle back into life in the new year and endeavor to get unpacked and decorate the house for Valentine’s Day (only one of my favorite pastimes ever!), I am making a concerted effort to congratulate myself for getting through my annual international trip without giving into any of my cravings or moments of extreme triggers. This is an enormous accomplishment and it should be celebrated: in my previous life, I would have drank copious amounts of whatever poison I could get my hands on, which would have made the situation(s) at hand far more untenable. To be able to make it through a 4-hour delay in Frankfurt or getting hassled in security for “explosive” materials in my makeup bag (ooookay) or any of the aforementioned contentious conversations with my mother WITHOUT turning to the bottle is incredible. I want nothing more than to be able to use this strength and progress to help other people – and that is part of this blog’s purpose. I hope that the words of this blog reach the right person or people – and may you know that you are not alone in your challenges, but that there is always hope for persevering through difficult times and triggers. As we all consider our goals for 2024, may you find the time to reflect on your own recovery, whether that be also from alcohol or perhaps a different substance of choice. And may you always believe in yourself, that change is possible; that you will find your purpose and calling in life; and that there is strength in the struggle.
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