Disappointment Dealings

Note: I first started this post in January and then got caught up in Moving Mania, so I am only now getting around to publishing it. Hopefully it will wake up the part of my brain that has been sleeping on so much content lately.

I haven’t blogged in far too long, mainly because I couldn’t find the words to properly describe the month of December, nor could I summon the strength or energy to write about the events that have transpired.

I tend to overuse the term “rollercoaster”, but it really was – and I suffered extreme whiplash as a result.

In an effort to maintain some level of privacy and not eat more crow than I already have, I will share the high-level overview, which is that I gained a lot and promptly lost it. It was one disappointment after another: finding out I need to be far, far more careful whom I trust; learning that there can be plenty of snags in the home-buying process; and being reminded for the 974793th time that just because you think you met someone lasting and special does not mean that they see you that way. If I had a dime for every instance in which I have been friend-zoned or dismissed for some completely asinine reason, I would probably be able to comfortably retire right now.

I made it through the holidaze (and my visit abroad) sober by some miracle, though there were plenty of stressful moments, due to aforementioned losses, unnecessary drama, and contentious conversations that definitely could have waited. I’m reminded all the time why I drank: because I have too many emotions and I never knew (and sometimes present tense) how to deal with them. And because life is hard; it doesn’t come with a manual and for those of us who are recovering addicts, we have to learn everything for the first time, it seems. But I try to dig deep into that marathon mentality and get through it as best I can. Because I know that I have everything to lose – and for as convoluted as my life feels at the moment, it would be exponentially more so were I to ever drink again.

Most recently, I lost three people who were very dear to me in the span of one week – and when I say “lost”, I don’t mean to death but to other unfortunate circumstances (starting to date someone new; a very silly fight; the friend-zoning nonsense of “I don’t see a future with you,” and so forth). I’m telling myself this is simply the season I’m going through. There were some high points previously, so the pendulum must swing in the other direction. And it will swing back again, eventually. I’ve certainly been in the desert plenty of times before and I always get through it. People (especially men) come and go; they are either in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I will say there have been a wealth of seasonal folks lately, that’s for sure.

I watch other people in my life getting the things that they want and certainly have worked hard to gain – and while I am of course happy for them, I am also incredibly envious. Every time I’ve been truly happy and thought that everything was falling into place, there has been some catch. “But wait – there’s more!”, to quote that meme from 2020 I referenced in a previous post. That makes me laugh but it’s sadly so true. And of course I know I am probably being somewhat melodramatic, because I have all of the basics in life plus a family that loves me – and much more. Not being able to live up to my full potential and not feeling like I’m making any progress on my goals – not to mention being alone/single and having a corner on the market for the worst luck with men – is making me a little insane, though, and unbelievably depressed. When am I finally going to get it right? Maybe never. And that’s a sobering thought but it’s entirely possible. I have had an immense amount of anxiety about the impending move, thinking that perhaps the things I want in life – not to mention the person – won’t be there. They could be anywhere, I just don’t know WHERE – or if they exist at all.

I’m never quite sure what lessons life is trying to teach me, especially because I can’t seem to find a way to look at the past month or so without being angry. I’m watching myself become more and more jaded and cynical with each passing day. And if I’m already this hardened and filled with rage at age 33, what am I going to be like in 10 years? Or 15? Or more? Will the darkness of my soul eventually be my demise? Life is hard – and there are no guarantees. Nothing was promised to me; nothing that I thought I had gained was actually mine for the taking. So perhaps the first lesson in disappointment dealings is that you have to take the losses, chalk it up to experience, and keep moving. I’ve wasted too much of my precious time and (limited) sanity, not to mention expended far too much energy, on the most recent losses and changes in the status quo. The ability to let things roll off my back does not come easily to me. I think part of the problem is that it was a string of events, one right after another, and they came on the tail-end of 2022, which deserves a post of its own. Had they been spaced out more, perhaps that would have made it feel less personal, less like the odds are stacked against me specifically. The second lesson (and perhaps issue) is that I’m equating success with finding my person and settling down. It doesn’t make me any less successful because I’m single/unmarried. Northern Hellville and the greater D.C. area is not known for its dating successes; just take a moment to read through one of those “Overheard in DC” Instagram accounts and you’ll see what I mean. Or if you live here, you know what I’m talking about, probably only all too well. So I should not take it as a slight on me as a person that I have not been able to find Mr. Right, especially given where I’ve spent the majority of my adult life. Having a change of scenery will do me good, for a myriad of reasons, though I am in such a fragile state of mind that this is probably not the best time to give dating another shot.

Enough time has passed that I’m starting to be able to view these disappointment dealings and the month of December as reminders that there are no guarantees – and never to take anything for granted. Did those disappointments and losses make me stronger? Maybe. They definitely made me more cynical. But I think the greatest reminder from this series of setbacks is that I can get through anything – after all, I finally looked myself in the mirror and said “I can’t do this anymore”, and so I got sober. And if I can do that, all on my own, I can handle whatever life throws my way, however disappointing it might be.