Dry Dating Debacles, Vol. 1

Dating without the anesthetization of alcohol, or “dry dating”, has been as much a rollercoaster as sobriety itself.

The most common experience I’ve had across the board, over the course of the past year or so, is being unmatched after I make some innocuous comment about my sobriety. Example: one (uneducated) member of the male species inquired what book I was currently reading. Well, it’s either going to be a book about sobriety or a book about running and that particular week, it was the former. I answered truthfully, that I was trying to finish “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober” by Catherine Gray – and a few minutes later, when I re-opened the app, he had unmatched me. Now, in that amount of time, my physical appearance and other interests, aside from sobriety, remained unchanged so while the unmatching could have been prompted by something else, I speculate that he wasn’t a fan of my answer. (Note that he also obviously did not read my bio, since it clearly states I am 22 months sober. I wear that badge proudly. The right person will think it’s incredible and not be turned off by it). I think guys automatically assume that a sober woman/person has a lot of baggage which they will bring into the dating situation or future relationship. To that I say: but who doesn’t have baggage?

Now, what I really do not understand is: what difference does it make whether or not I drink?

But there are a few realities to consider, that might answer my own question.

To begin with – and this is one of my favorite subjects to get on my soapbox about – we live in a society that is SO DEEPLY saturated with booze. It is everywhere you turn; it is at every single store and every restaurant and of course, every bar; it is at this party and that gathering and this sports game and that corporate event. It never surprises me, the more I see it everywhere (those little pre-mixed gin drinks that have started cropping up everywhere for instance, make me think, “Holy shit. No wonder it’s so difficult to quit drinking!”), that people have such a hard time cutting it out of their lives or that they’re so shocked when they learn that you DON’T imbibe. The judgment I have faced as a sober person trying to find love is truly appalling, not that I should be surprised – yet I am.

Not only is our society saturated with booze, so, too, is the dating world. In the entire decade during which I drank, I probably only went on a handful of sober dates: running, of course, because you can’t run and drink at the same time (well, not easily), and maybe a coffee date here or there. Otherwise, every single one of those pointless dates involved alcohol. So perhaps it is no wonder that I am still single, then: how clearly and honestly could I be determining whether potential suitors were a good fit if I was on my fourth glass of Chardonnay or my third gin and tonic? And by the time I realized that finding love requires a clear head, well, it was a little too late, since I had already fallen head over heels for Ben* and he didn’t end up being the best fit, either. To loosely quote Gabby Windey (I adore her) in her “After the Final Rose” confrontation with Clayton, “To love someone is to assume responsibility for protecting them” – and if you truly love them, you wouldn’t abandon them in pursuit of what I can only hope is a really shitty job… But I digress. Back to the point at hand.

The next “dry dating debacle” which I have now experienced on more than one occasion (and fervently wish not to go through again) is the “AA assholes”. Now, I need to get this on the record: I have nothing against AA from the standpoint that I know many people rely on it heavily and consider it a lifeline. That it keeps people sober is terrific – how could I not be on board with that? But personally, I am adamantly against it, for a variety of reasons. Nothing anyone says to me on a date (certainly not in that setting) or in passing will ever change this. A few months ago, I went out on two dates with a man who was 19 years sober. (Yes, I like them older, what can I say…) I was so excited at the prospect of maybe dating a sober person that I did overlook some of the red flags on the first date. We briefly touched on his sobriety and rationale for ditching the drink but he didn’t mention AA more than once or twice. On the second date, however, he had the audacity to interrogate me about WHY I was against AA and why I don’t go to AA. I listed all of my reasons, including the fact that I had a horrific experience years ago, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. As I have said to several of my friends and younger sibling about this date, “It was AA or the highway.” I was so turned off by being put on the spot like that, that of course it was obvious to me that I wouldn’t see each other again. And the feeling was mutual: I think HE was just as disgusted by my “narrow-minded” attitude about AA that we both simply stopped texting and then a few days later – yes, you guessed it – I discovered he had unmatched me. And so it continues.

I would have been fine with this being my first and last run-in with a “hard-headed Harry”, but unfortunately, just recently, I met another lunatic who could not seem to understand how it was physically possible for a person to get and stay sober without AA. At the risk of essentially repeating the above story, as the two mirrored each other in many aspects, I will say that I once again had to cut this individual out of my life, just as quickly as he tried to enter it with his judgmental jargon. What blows my mind is how forceful these men were about practically shoving their meetings and steps on another sober person. And what isn’t fair is that I don’t do that to them: what works for me won’t necessarily work for other people in (early) recovery and I realize that. So I don’t judge someone for their decision to participate in a group like AA, just as I would expect the same understanding and acceptance of my own personal sobriety journey in return.

Phew. I am getting spun up all over again.

There is plenty more to be said about the sober misadventures in my quest to find Mr. Annie – but I think we will end there for today. There will be a second volume soon, though I do hope it will be more of the “sober successes” variety and less of the “dry debacles”…